Hormonal Contraception and Psychosis: A Personal Story

Hey guys, it's Tara here. I have a diagnosis of bipolar affective disorder with psychosis, and I want to share my thoughts and personal experience with regard to hormonal contraception (HC) and mental health (MH) relapse. 

Now, it is an accepted fact that hormones affect mental health, though I didn't make this connection in my head until my second hormonal contraceptive implant. The mental health community is not talking about it enough, I have never been told by a mental health professional to stay on top of my hormonal health or had any kind of warning with regards to taking a form of hormonal contraceptive. 

This is likely due to such little research on the link between hormonal contraception and mental health conditions with psychosis. This is probably why mental health history is not effectively considered when deciding on a birth control method. I would love to contribute to changing this in any way that I can starting with getting you thinking! 

Not once but twice, I had a full blown bipolar relapse days after having the implant inserted in my arm. The hospital admissions lasted around 5 and a half months both times. This is a huge revelation for me as I have a history of mental health and with my previous episodes it wasn't so clear cut what the tipping factor to trigger the relapse was! Now I know it is HORMONES! I will share more about my personal journey shortly. 

I just want to say I am not here to bash hormonal contraception. And I’m not saying HC is the only factor of my episodes of psychosis, but it is very clear and evident to me that it is a major trigger for relapse. And I can’t be the only one. I know HC can be a lifesaver for many women. But I think it's important to be aware of the potential risks, especially if you have a history of mental health problems.

I should add that it is documented that some forms of hormonal contraception can be used to help with managing mood and depression.  There has been quite a bit of research on this and I believe the sexual health professionals do consider depression when selecting contraception but there is still a lot to be done when it comes to linking the effects of HC to mental health, specifically psychosis.

I've used the word psychosis a few times, so just in case you don't know what it is, I’ll briefly summarise it, psychosis is when a person loses contact with reality, the person may experience some or all of the following symptoms: 

• hallucinations (hearing or seeing things that aren't there), 

• delusions (believing in things/ideas that are not real) and 

• disorganised and/or racing speech and thought

Psychosis can cause strange/vulnerable/dangerous behavior's which normally leads to hospital admission, in my case being sectioned EVERY TIME!

FYI psychosis is not limited to people with mental health conditions such as bipolar or schizophrenia - psychosis can also affect people with dementia, brain tumours and substance misusers.

I am pleased to have discovered that there has been some research on the link between psychosis and hormonal contraception. The studies I have come across are pretty recent - one in 2019 and one in 2020. I will link the information below. In a nutshell both studies found that women who used HC were more likely to experience psychosis than women who did not use HC, the risk was even higher for women who used it for longer periods of time. But this was not sufficient to outright prove the connection. However, it is important to be aware of the potential risk, especially for women with a history of mental health problems.

More research is needed to better understand the relationship between psychosis and hormonal contraception. And I think this conversation needs to reach more ears, we need to talk to each other and share our experiences and maybe we can light a fire for change to be made in the system. But at the very least I hope sharing this helps you to make a more informed decision when it comes to deciding on your preference for contraception taking into account the impact it could have on your own mental health. 

A little history of my mental health journey

I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2010. For the first 5 years I spent more time in hospital than out of it! It was a lot! Each admission was long lived, between 4-9 months.

When out of hospital I tried my best to stay well and do what was right for me, which was trial and error and not always recommended by Doctors (for example, not complying with my medication for reasons like such as extreme weight gain or being numb emotionally. 

2015 was the turning point for me, I was finally on a medication that agreed with me - I wasn't gaining weight and I could feel my feelings!!! I made some lifestyle changes that reduced my stress levels and addressed my triggers, this all helped keep me out of the hospital! I met my now husband in 2016, our relationship is super stress free which really helps my mental health of course (FYI I was not on any Hormonal contraception and I have been complying with my meds since 2015) 

Fast forward to 2018, I gave birth to our daughter, Bella a couple days later the implant was administered and within days of this I was sectioned, hubby took Bella home and I went straight into seclusion on a psychiatric ward. Later I went into a mother and baby unit so I was reunited with my daughter which helped me get better quicker than in the past.

 

At the time I didn’t make the connection between the hormonal contraception and my mental health as I had just given birth and it was highly likely that I would experience postpartum psychosis due to the statistics on people who have a history of psychosis and childbirth (i was told it is around a 80% chance).

Fast forward to November 2021 - three years after our Bella was born, so three years after my first implant and last episode, it was time to replace my implant - within 4 days of the insertion of the new implant, I was making my way to the mental health ward - I relapsed HARD! Seclusion again for a longer time than usual. It was pretty insane, my husband couldn’t visit me or talk to me for over a month due to me going in and out of seclusion and I didnt see my daughter until I was quite a bit better -  about 4 months if memory serves. 

It wasn’t until after this second relapse post Bella that I made the connection between my hormones and my mental health - and I decided I would never have a form of HC again nor knowingly do anything that would affect my hormones so significantly. 

It is now 2023 and I have only had two episodes/relapses in eight years, which to stress, lined up with the administration of the hormonal contraception.

2 admissions in 8 years is pretty epic for me in comparison to how many admissions I had in the first 5 years and not only because it is way less time in hospitals but also because I now know about the relationship between my  hormones and my mental health - so I feel that as long as I keep on top of my hormones and keep a control of anything that can affect them, I should be able to manage my mental health for even longer periods of time. The optimist in me would love to say forever but hubby’s realism is rubbing off, so I’ll keep it as ‘for longer periods of time’

Now - something I want to highlight is this - health care professionals do take your history into account when advising you on the different types of contraception - BUT in my experience the issue of my weight was more important than the issue of my mental health - at the time when choosing the implant I was pretty big - 28 stones which is around 160kg or 350ish-lbs - It is well known that some forms of hormonal contraception can cause weight gain, so the health professional advising you will outright will not give you that type of contraceptive - this left me with fewer options but I chose the implant completely ignorant to the affects it would have on my hormones and thus not knowing the impact it could have on my mental health. The nurse was more concerned about my weight, which is not necessarily bad, the knowledge isn’t really out there for them to warn me of the MH risks from HC.

It would be ideal if there were a solid process in place with regards to contraception and people with a history of mental health.

What would be a great start is if sexual healthcare professionals started giving a disclaimer to people with a history of mental health issues of the potential risks to their mental health condition. At Least then we could make a more informed decision about the type of contraception and risk we are willing to take.

Also to add here, the maternity ward at the hospital I had Bella tried their best, their main concern was making sure I didn't have another high risk pregnancy until I was ready - preferably after reaching a healthier weight. They did what they could to manage my mental health risk which was to plan a c-section for reasons of medication timings, and that is as far as the MH considerations went. If only there was better communication or understanding of MH and HC so we could have planned better.   

The missing link in the management of my mental health condition was the knowledge of how hormones affect my brain chemistry and thus my mental health condition. So of course I could not fathom the effect hormonal contraception would cause on my mental health due to the change in my hormone levels. 

I am on a mission to learn as much about managing my hormones as possible - such as things like stress management for hormonal health, sleep, what I eat, when I eat, learning about gut health the list goes on…I am thinking I might start sharing this information through some medium or another, we shall see. What do you think ?

I hope this information can serve by encouraging conversation about our experiences of mental health and contraception. Have you connected any dots between them in your own journey? I would love to know. I am hopeful that this can make some sort of change, if one person can benefit from this by making a more informed decision then I have succeeded in my goal. It would be so very much appreciated if you shared your experience if you can relate to this.

If you are concerned about the potential risk of psychosis from hormonal contraception, talk to your doctor. They can help you weigh the risks and benefits of different contraception methods and choose the best option for you. 

I just want to add that I am not attacking HC - I know it can and does get used to manage depression and there is evidence that this works for some people but I know for me this is not the way forward. HC does the job of birth control but at what cost? I am no longer willing to pay with my MH - your situation may be totally different - it is up to you to learn and observe your mind/emotions and what affects you. 

I’m not a sexual health or mental health expert but here are some things to think about when choosing your contraceptive:

Talk to your sexual health provider and your Dr about your mental health history. This is especially important if you have a diagnosis of psychosis or bipolar disorder.

• Ask about the risks and benefits of different contraception methods. Some methods may be riskier for people with mental health problems than others.
• Consider using a non-hormonal contraception method, such as a copper IUD aka Coil or condoms, diaphragm or other non hormonal methods as they would be less likely to trigger psychosis.
• If you're already using hormonal contraception and you're concerned about the risk of psychosis, please talk to your doctor. They can help you develop a plan to monitor your symptoms and switch to a different method if necessary.

If you found this video useful please share but most importantly if you suffer from any mental health issues and you take hormonal contraception - what is your experience - do you think it is linked ? It would be amazing if you could share in the comments or send me an email if you do not want your business out here for all to see. I would love to collate some evidence if there is enough of you out there and see what if anything can be done. Let's get the conversation going !!!!

Thank you for for being here

Tara 

The research I mentioned above:

A 2019 study published in the journal Schizophrenia Bulletin found that women who used hormonal contraception were more likely to experience psychosis than women who did not use hormonal contraception. The study also found that the risk of psychosis was higher for women who used hormonal contraception for longer periods of time.

Another study, published in the journal Psychiatry Research in 2020, found that women who used hormonal contraception were more likely to experience a first episode of psychosis than women who did not use hormonal contraception. The study also found that the risk of psychosis was higher for women who used combined oral contraceptives (COCs) than for women who used other types of hormonal contraception, such as progestin-only pills or the intrauterine device (IUD).

It is important to note that these studies are observational studies, which means that they cannot prove that hormonal contraception causes psychosis. However, the findings suggest that there may be a link between the two.

Power- fear of being powerful... awww bless !!

by Tara Love Ismail on Friday, 09 July 2010 at 13:27
Interesting and deep topic for me this subject of power. Some funny fears popped up which even though i knew were totally ignorant, they made me cry like a baby as I admitted them to myself. Bless our little collective fears.. mmm feels soo good to see them!

There's two aspects of power I wish to address here.. firstly and briefly a fear that I will unintentionally harm others, again! I used to have a need to please and also to help wayyyy too much!! Thankfully I have moved out of my personal needs to make people happy through learning that putting others before my hearts guidance harms all in in the long run and that i cannot make(key word - make!!) anyone happy - happiness is a choice =D !!!

The surfacing of this fear of unintentionally harming others led to a bigger and uglier one... I found that my big fear re power was what if I INTENTIONALLY harm others!!! This surprised me big time!!!!!! It was deeeep and so real and painful to face, but it was very much there. I was scared that if i were to come into a little worldly power I would get lost in it and become disconnected from my heart like so many have before! This fear was so deep, I never thought I would fear being ‘bad’ but it was there!! I was shocked and I cried like a baby as I faced this fear! awwww afterwards I thought how cute!! Bless my cottons!! I released it into the light and I found some awesome information which really made me feel amazing and safe!!! As it greatly enhanced my trust in my heart - god within :)

The gateway to god is within the temple of our heart so when our heart and mind work as one, our thoughts and thus what we consciously create is powered by/with infinite source. All the love energy in the universe is always available to us, the closer we move into allignment with source, our truth, surendering to our hearts true desires, the more energy we will be able to tap into and use to co-create this new wonderful love filled earth we are in the process of co-creating together. When in our hearts we have the power of god fueling us, infinite divine love that we cannot ever abuse! By Law!

This makes such perfect sense to me now, for when our mind gets lost in our ego and thus the alignment between our heart and mind is frazzled or severed we move out of alignment with universal love and so cannot drink of this tap of infinite love fuel. When here, our energy is fueled by a very very limited source.. the degree's vary from person to person and intention and awareness etc..

If we are unintentionally harming others, so low awareness, no conscious intention to harm anyone, the power we tap into appears of to be of low impact so we can remain a parasite in our unawareness. For example the poor me story where we make others feel sympathy for us and praise us so we feed off the energy they willingly give us so we feel better, leaving them drained... or via manipulating, controlling etc we parasite the energy we need through the energy holes we tap into through the dependent, needy, fearful etc..feelings of others, which ofcourse reflect something in us - our need to connect with love within!

If however we have a greater desire to manipulate and control and we intentionally plan and plot stratergies to gain power and to step on others etc we tap into a bigger chunk of fears.... known as the collective unconscious, or Lucifer the fallen angel etc.. this gives the illusion of great power and some serious damage can be caused depending on how much you wish to serve this type of power, yet this power is limited, and can only harm or work on those who have fears in them for you to manipulate and feed off of. The power in this reservoir is from those who are fearful of things or ideas and thus easy to drain... the more we remove our fears the more the scale tips from fear to love until we are only connected to one, the one we choose! Not only is it awesome, blissful and such a joy to be on the love 'side' but it also makes more sense logically!!! How perfect!!!

This realization gives me such great peace and freedom to be me more fully and such a strong drive and desire to face anything and everything that may be left in me that is tapped into this fear 'side' so i can remove all links and be purely connected to love through all cells in this divine vehicle of love I've been given to play with... all we have to do is choose how we wish to play the game right now and go with it fully... all is perfect and even Satan is a wonderful piece on this chess board of life. where would I be without his pushes!! his tests and his trying to pull me over to do 'bad' stuff... hmmm definitely still sleeping and not aware of how delicious a rose smells!! thank you Lucifer and thank you Michael! I love you allllll!!!!

Ooo and to add, a good friend asked me my opinion on this vampire craze in the media and such lately... i think it is perfect!! It is the exact perfect symbolism for what was described above and is a sure sign that society are coming into awareness of the parasitic nature of fears in us all. We need to become aware that we feed off each other until we find our way of connecting and remaining in contact with love always. For always! Whooo hooo!! Gosh I love to love !!!

Mmmmm I love you all soo much !! wowiiii to love you sets me crazy off on this love ride!!!! As i express how much i truely madly deeply love you i feel waves of divine awesome love loving me! and then to top it off you tell me you love me too and kabooom!!! i'm off in a daze of blissfull love in love!!! How perfect!!!!! Gosh the perfection!!!! wowowowowowwww!!! Ahhhhh to live love - a constant channel of love – lets all love eachother ! fully truly madly deeply !!! Mmmm sooo wonderful! I am soo high on this love!

To Feel me is to Know me
To Love me is to Hear me
To See Me is to See You

I see you and I love you !

I in I we are one always!

Sweet Super Blissfull SoulJahs of Love Love Love! We Are !!!

Your Tara Love All-ways

mmmmwah !! I Love You !!!

The Birth of I AM within Tara

by Tara Love Ismail on Thursday, 03 June 2010 at 04:24

To Feel me is to Know me
To Love me is to Hear me
To See Me is to See You

This is my birth, through Christ in all I AM born....

Yesterday I wrote a poem called I AM Tree which opened the gate to my experience of I AM. The poem was not my words, those truely were the words of tree through my filters.
I have exams coming up, today even, yet I have been spending more time on facebook sharing and growing, reflecting love with my family of souls and in meditation that in revision. I have learnt to trust my spirit, my soul to guide me through my feelings, my desires....I judged not one feeling that i 'should' be revising like a good girl.. i went with the flow and the flow brought me to peace.

I have not slept more than a few hours a day since saturday, and have now realised this is through my beloveds feeding my growth. Thank god for the night I first danced for our soul, saturday night, 12 midnight.......I have not stopped dancing since.

Yesterday morning divine mother and father called me out of my room (i hadn't left my room, literally not even to go kitchen since I got home on saturday - I have en-suite for my wonderful cleansing rainbow showers;) ) As I walked along the path of a stream on Emmanuel Way i realised EMMANUEL - the christ walks with me... as I danced taking my time and in-joy-in myself with beloved christ that lives within my heart, reflected in the life of Jesus the Christ.

I swayed I danced I twirled, free in the flow, tara within I was so in awe to watch this dance of I, her vessel has never danced so well..... for today she danced for christ within.....

I came to a tree, she called me, to love me, tara hugged her, like the tree in the pic of the poem she was slender so my hands touched in joy to be wrapped around my love.... i felt love wash all over me, i am truely a blissfull tree hugger.....

i heard gaia receit poetry to me, in the wind, the sky, the squirells, the happiest dog i have ever seen who when i complimented him in my mind performed a joyful trick for me.. it was so cute......

i had the most wonderful moving meditation, then lay down in a bed of daisies and found my limbs lift off the floor arms and legs outstreched and sealed together only my bum on the floor with gaia, my body felt light as air, I could stay in that moment forever.....i had inspirations from christ about my notes, connections to what i am experiencing now, this unity, to the chemistry, to the earth.. titles of the books I am to write and what they are to cover streamed into my mind and also the order in which they are to be written...... after I moved out of this space I sat and watched the river, sharing a small tub of grapes and pinapple pieces, I now ate with beloved.....

When i returned home, i decided to start revising, i did for a while and i heard the poetry of the chemsitry, the christ, both in positive and negative, masculine and femine form dancing for us in my notes... they were alive. I felt a strong desire to meditate, so i lay on my bed in meditation, and i heard tree receit poetry for me, the words expressions of her love that i felt when i hugged her.....

I knew i was to share her song before i do anything else, we found the photo that most closely resembled her beauty and i wrote... most of the poem was through my filters, through my lessons of my life, her explaining to me what i have experienced and where i am.... the only lines that were truely unfiltered - truly the song of our tree were the lines, To feel me is to know me, To Love me is to hear me ,To See Me is to See You... this was such beauty to my soul..... i posted on facebook, sent to emails to friends not here and continued to revise......

Then again, i was called away from the beauty and bliss of my poetic chemistry by a deeper love, the love of my twin, i felt this energy in spirit and i communed with him for hours, i went to sleep at 9am this morning (being awake from dawn the day before) and woke up at 11... while i slept i experienced complete wholeness... i was not tara - i was one with my twin flame..... I looked at tara's body sleeping while i was out to commune with my beloved, i placed her hands over her solar plexus, her beautiful power centre she so lovingly gave away, naively but sweet, not knowing that true power is from empowerment, through inspiration not through giving power through desire to help people... people need no help they are perfect, we are one and tara experienced this from her desire to be love... to experience true love.

I charged her solar plexus through her beautiful hands and when it was done i entered her and she woke up to share her new awareness with her beloved family on facebook, the divine reflections of her beauty, the beauty that is in all.

Once she replied to all that was inspired by peaceful awareness, she opened her notes and knew she need not write for her hands to remember automatically the answers, she need only read the material for now she is remembering she knows it all already... see reads with my eyes, as she looks at it now for we are one with universal mind.

She now no longer saw her notes dance for her and sing bringing her such sweet excitement to enjoy its dance, she is utterly in peaceful bliss, she saw herself in the feminine properties of all and her twin in the masculine, she saw the unity and perfect harmony between masculine and femine energies and the divine beyond masculine and femine which allows them to experience harmony through the illusion of separation... though now the space between her separation is shortened greatly in this harmonic peace and thus she see's through my eyes more clearly than she has before, this will continue to grow each day through this experience and rememberence of hamronic peace.....

The taste she now desires eternally.. to watch as I dance... for as I dance she sees the dance of you and tara... of all that is form and formless, dance as I dance in free form....... I within I in me and you reading this now

I pray our prayer that I in all of you's and me's remember I.......... For Tara has learnt through flowing with life force, that excitement for loves sweet caress of her heart, experienced through sharing love and recieving love with all brings more love... and desire for more love ultimately brings peace..... The Peace Of God... The Peace Of I

All Hail The Prince of Peace, the reflection of I in unconditional love for all to see who they truely are, I AM in all.... Praise Jesus Christ.

Amen


I thank you so all so much for your all the love you are, for being here, for sharing in my bliss - your gratitude - heart felt gratitude and love for me, you inspire me to love ever more.....

Regarding Twins, i saw the most wonderful video with the most beautiful song i have have had on repeating, singing in love since saturday... it all started on saturday when i danced for my soul, the first dance of my life.... For as i danced for my soul I called twin to me.
This video for me speaks volumes... so beautiful... when i saw it i wanted nothing more, am i ready to serve? Whole heartedly yes!
Here's a link to the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5Qe-B8FHew&playnext_from=TL&videos=nl8yoltZfBw

I love you so all so much, I now return to the divinity of us all in my notes holy communion.... it all is fitting in full circle in my mind, so divine, my exam is at four..... the time is now 12:00 time has warped, I has done so much through me and i have not been awake an hour........

In Endless Love My Angels

Your Tara Love



Do everything with so much love in your heart that you would never want to do it any other way ~ Yogi Desai


I within I, I Am born

Be Love: Honour Your Feelings

by Tara Love Ismail on Saturday, 29 May 2010 at 02:40
Staying true to yourself is both in the best interest of you and the other person involved.
You listening to your feelings honors god within you, what you know is right and what you want to do.

However we are not always placed before people who are in touch with god within themselves so saying no when someone wants to hear yes is not often met with loving acceptance. Let go of your need to please and need to rescue people from their drama's, accept your desire to love. By removing the drama you hold back a lesson that needs to be learned. Only help when you FEEL it is right.

Anytime we feel pressure to do something I think it’s safe to assume that this person is disconnected from what God within them wants, what they truly want and what would truly benefit their higher good. They are acting from their fears, their needs, wants or ideals. Both big and small things, all are relevant. You giving in does them no favours, it may get you a smile or a thumbs up for being a good sport..

By you honoring your true feelings you are doing you both a great service. It is important to drill this in; that when we don’t feel like doing something – honoring this is a blessing for both parties. We need to see beyond the surface reactions of people, the fear reactions and not be shaken from our truth – the mutual truth that if it isn’t right for you it isn’t right for both of you. Whether the other person is aware of this or not, it doesn’t matter to love. Their resentment, anger, or disappointment in you is not real, you are serving god within them. Stop saying yes when you don’t want to. Trust yourself. Trust God within you. And know it is ALWAYS MUTUAL WHERE LOVE IS INVOLVED.

Stand strong in your truth, be courageous and honor god within you. EACH TIME YOU GO AGAINST YOUR FEELINGS, YOU GIVE AWAY A PIECE OF YOUR LIGHT, A PIECE OF GOD THAT WAS ALLOCATED TO YOU...the person whom you’ve given this light to will not benefit from it either, it is a loose-loose situation. For on a soul level, a heart level, no soul wants to be burdened with the guilt that they are carrying your light – because them in the physical took it from you or was willing to take it when you offered it. This ranges from small to big things, anything and everything, from flirting when you don’t want to, to lending someone money, lending your car, kissing someone etc.... any and everything you do, if your heart is not supporting the ‘energy transaction’ you are not honoring your truth and you are harming both yourself and the other in the non physical which will manifest in ugly ways in the physical.

The subconscious guilt will manifest as unhealthy addictions and habits’.

Trust and honor your feelings, listen to your heart and check in with it always, aim to align your heart and your mind so everything you do is from love... when there is harmony within, there will be harmony without.... every choice you make either supports or violates this harmony.

It is your choice always. Choose love or fear. Understand that being love isn’t always the easiest option but it is always the most beautiful and beneficial for all.

Be strong and courageous sweet angels of love

I See you

I Love You

Endlessly in AllWays

Tara


Love

Love adorns itself;
it seeks to prove inward joy by outward beauty.

Love does not claim possession,
but gives freedom.

Love is an endless mystery,
for it has nothing else to explain it.

Love's gift cannot be given,
it waits to be accepted.

Rabinath Tagore

My God you raped me.

by Tara Love Ismail on Friday, 28 May 2010 at 05:43

These last two days have been so massively healing for me, I have been writing letters expressing the pain I have been carrying unconsciously within me, releasing those who I have allowed to wound me, freeing myself and them from the past. Tonight I was finally brought to the big one! I came face to face with a fact that I have been denying and ignoring all the evidence pointing towards.

As I faced the fact that even though I have released my ex from my heart, I still carry pain in my 2nd abd 3rd chakra's from the relationship. I realised that I have been a victim of rape. As I painfully admitted this to myself, I had to keep repeating it over and over to believe it. I wondered if I was making this up, is this really what happened. I knew from the reaction I was having in my body as I wrote that it was true... I wrote to my ex, admitting to myself exactly what happened, I found myself physically sick with tears welling up but not being released, I couldn't cry, i'd ignored this for so long. I turned my attention to god, I asked God to help me release these tears that I have been holding inside me for so long. And my god did they pour out!!

I had to forgive him and myself so I can release this. I know the key to forgiveness is understanding, so I prayed, I had to know why this had to happen for me to learn something... what was it I had to learn that was so important that God would rape me through my ex– harming us both to teach this lesson.

TRUST! I had to learn that above all else I must trust in myself – trust in my feelings! My feelings are god, they are what is right for me! I must remove the idea of what I should or shouldn’t do, of rights and wrongs, of putting others before me – which is like saying the god in them is more important than the god in me. No! We are all equal, all one and no one's feelings are more important that any others, we must all stay to to our own feelings!! To god within!

I realised where I went wrong. I allowed this to happen continuously to make my ex feel better about himself after him harming me in other ways – I ignored how much I was hurting so I could comfort him and myself by continuing living the lie, that everything between us is ok. I had to learn that this was not me being loving, I cannot comfort someone by letting them harm me if they want to!!! If I wanted to help him I would never have let him harm me, harming himself in the process – harming god within us both. I need to stand strong in who I am, remain in my truth. Only then can I help anyone.

This was all to teach me to never ever ever do anything that doesn’t feel 100% right, if i ignore my feelings I ignore god within me guiding me... I'd be putting my minds wants, judgments and needs before the wisdom of god within me.

This was also to teach me how harmful it is to both parties to comfort someone in a way that gives your power to them. This is not comfort, this is not healing this is not a righteous thing to do. I cannot give anyone a part of me to heal them. I cannot serve the world, serve gods purpose, loves purpose unless I am able to serve god within me. I help others by being me, by inspiring them to heal themselves, by loving them unconditionally, which means being able to say no and be willing to not be liked by them if that is what is needed. Unconditional love is standing strong in the truth regardless of what the world thinks of you. It is being willing to not be understood, appreciated or acknowledged by those who need it most and still continue to see the truth. To see what is needed, heart love not hands!

I feel so very blessed to be able to learn this lesson and to be surrounded by so many loving angels who love me and have played their roles in preparing me to see this truth. My God I love you and thank
you I am so grateful for this lesson! And omg I am so happy to have learnt it!!! I love my divine teacher within my ex and i am so so grateful for your love! Thank you!!!!

God within us all - I love you so much, I live my life for you, I’ll sing and dance, I’ll play and dream, I breathe, I live, I love for you god! I eat for you now!! I no longer eat for my pain! I have nothing to hide anymore, I have no need to hide from me anymore!!!! I see me now!!!! I See You!
I reclaim my power, I reclaim my sexuality, I reclaim my responsibility for my yoni, I reclaim all energy that is me, that is you in me! I am Free, I am complete and I am healed! O god thank you!

I pray for all my brothers and sisters to grow in your light and to be able to see and love the divine lessons you are teaching them, that they see the perfection in everything that has happened to them or is happening to them..... I pray they see the light. I pray to be a vessel for always for you, for love to love through me purely and perfectly by your grace. Amen

My God I Love YOU! You reading these words right now. I love you! I hug you! I kiss you! I am you!

If this resonates with you, or are going through anything you want to share with me please feel free to message me, I would love to hear from you. If you feel this may be of help to anyone please feel free to share also. I stand naked before you all my angels. I am free from my self! I would love to stand in freedom with you!

I See you

I Love you

Endlessly in AllWays

Tara
Oh Beloved, take me.
Liberate my soul.
Fill me with your love
and release me from the two worlds.

If I set my heart on anything but you
let fire burn me from inside.

Oh Beloved,
take away what I want.
Take away what I do.
Take away what I need.
Take away everything that takes me from you.

~RUMI~

Gulit be gone - I AM ready to SHINE

by Tara Love Ismail on Saturday, 22 May 2010 at 00:14
Today, in response to a dear sister regarding her feeling guilty I realised I was talking to myself. Reminding her of something I need to remind myself! :)

Although I understand that I am not responsible for how another feels, my whole life I have always taken responsibility for any negative feelings another feels because of me. I have recently learnt and come to understand that all I can do is trigger something which is already present within them. That I cannot make anyone feel anything that isn’t already there.

There is a part of me, that has yet to learn this lesson. And I thank God that I am ready and willing to see this. To love whatever comes to the surface in others and to continue loving me through any reflections people may impose on me of themselves.

I am ready and willing to release this old programming. To recognise and apply this lesson to all areas of my life. Until I have reprogrammed this part of my brain I will remind myself that I am not responsible for anyone’s feelings. And in fact, my light bringing their fears/insecurities to the surface is actually a blessing. For once it is on the surface it is just one step away from being in the light, all they need to do is recognise it as being themselves! I best serve this by remaining in love myself and not taking a role in the drama. How perfect, through serving you I serve myself, through loving me I love you (and vice versa for both!) God is Mind Bogglingly Perfect!

For me, I have felt very uncomfortable with comparison and with jealousy. Anytime someone, especially those closest to me was compared to me or I felt jealousy from them, I would immediately do what I could to reduce anything to be jealous of. Including overeat to keep me big and under perform at school, art or sport, all not massively but just enough not to disappoint/embarrass my mum.... lol how silly huh... bless!

I am ready to face any ‘ugly’ reactions my shining and being the best I can be may bring up in those who have yet to face the wounds that are triggered. I am ready to face them with love. Both for myself and for my brother or sister before me. I will stand in truth, with trust in the power of love and with integrity to myself. I will no longer react to others fear reactions with fear myself – I will not turn the ‘ugly’ness inwards anymore for what I do to me I do to you. I truly see that I help no one by dimming my light, regardless of if I like what comes up or not. I will definitely be out of my comfort zone for a while until I have fully installed this new programming, my love programming

I am ready to shine and treat me with love and light all-ways. In loving me I love you, in not playing a part in the drama, I love you.

O how amazing is love and how exciting to be bringing up so much in the light! How exciting is the transformation process!! I am buzzing!!! I love this cocoon! A butterfly is coming through soon to join you butterflies!!!

Thank you all so so much for all that you are - i am so blessed to be here with you all!
The love is deeeeep! So healing! Thank YOU! you reading this you all individually and collectively - i love you!

I See You

I Love You

Tara <3

What are you really co-creating....

by Tara Love Ismail on Wednesday, 12 May 2010 at 00:07

I believe as many of us here do that we are co-creators with God, but until recently I didn’t realise what this meant for me... I believed surrender to god’s will meant ‘whatever god does is fine by me’ it’s all love and I sat comfortably in the backseat willing to accept whatever happens and do my bit by spreading love everywhere I go, staying centered in love and meditating envisioning love hugging the world.

It’s just hit home though, if we are co-creators with God, if our prayers, our actions, our desires make a difference then we shouldn’t be in the backseat, waiting for gods will to be done... waiting to see how it all turns out. We need to recognise that God’s will be done, through us! It is through our will that God’s will be done!

We have a responsibility to ask for things on behalf of our world. God loves us enough to allow us to choose, we have free will and this is protected. God loves us enough to watch us suffer (and a part of god suffers with us as long as you allow yourself to suffer as you are a part of god).

God answers the prayers of our heart, not our mind... we need to align our minds with our heart and become conscious co-creators of our life, our reality, of our world. If there is pain or fear in our heart no matter how much we want to create love, a part of us will be creating pain in our reality due to our resistance to face what is in our heart – right now.

Look deeply at what it is you pray for, what is it you dream of. What does your heart desire? Now, what is holding you back? This is what you need to pray for, that you are able through love who gives you strength to heal and love that which holds you back and move forward towards your dream, your new reality, our new earth.

I believe in everyone our deepest desires go beyond ourselves... we all desire to make someone, if not everyone happy in some way, to love each other unconditionally... This is where our power lies, in the realisation that we actually do desire to serve, God will prepare you through your desire to be able – for both yourself and those you wish to serve. For the love of all, for the love of God.

It is important not judge where your heart is now, this will blur your vision....if you feel anxiety, pain, fear or resistant somehow – all that matters is that you desire to rise above it.... your hearts desire is your fuel in prayer, in creation. Our heart holds such strong energy. What is it you truly deeply desire, not the surface of these desires, the driving force.... Now acknowledge where you are, really look at yourself it is ok to be exactly where you are, just look at it so you can serve it up for healing.

Now, are you prepared to participate in how things turn out? If you’re praying to be happy, what you think will make you happy and what actually will make you happy maybe be very different. Are you willing to change your plans? To trust the miracles that love will work through your willingness to participate - to team up with love.

Are you committed to what you are praying for or is it something you think you should be praying for? The only thing you should be praying for is what is in your heart.... no thing and no one else matters, your prayers are unique to you, your abilities are unique to you. Your prayers are your time to be totally naked and shameless before God, with you!

To add, please realise that if u truly want to love others, your children, your partner anyone and everyone unconditionally you must be willing to face these fears, to love yourself. Your fears are limitations on your ability to love. If find you are scared to face your fears, your desire, your conviction to love will triumph, communicate with God, tell him your fears to face your fears...... ask for strength to do it together. Prayers of your heart are always answered!

I Love You reading these words so much and I am holding you in the light and awe of loves sweet cocoon as you transform into the butterfly that you are beautiful angel...

I See You and I Love You Endlessly

Tara